Why We Stay in the Dirty Pool: Choosing Healing When Familiar Pain Feels Safer

Quick Take: Stuck Doesn’t Mean Broken

We often cling to what’s familiar—even when it’s hurting us—because our nervous systems equate “known” with “safer than the unknown.” In this post, we’ll use a vivid metaphor—the Dirty Pool vs. the Clean Pool—to explore why so many high-performing women stay stuck in patterns like perfectionism, burnout, and people-pleasing…and what it takes to climb out and choose healing. If you’re tired of treading water in murky emotional patterns, there’s another way. We’re here to help you get there.

The Concept: Why Familiar Pain Feels Safer Than Change

It’s one of the most common human patterns: We stay in situations that are uncomfortable, unhealthy, or emotionally draining—not because we love suffering, but because they’re familiar.

If you grew up needing to perform to feel valued…you learn to perform. If you learned that saying “no” risks rejection…you keep saying “yes.” If chaos was normal…calm can feel suspicious.

Your nervous system is wired to detect threat. What it knows—even if it’s painful—can feel less threatening than stepping into something new, unproven, and unpredictable. This is why change is so hard, and why healing takes courage.

To bring this to life, let’s step outside for a moment and imagine two swimming pools sitting side by side.

The Two Pools Metaphor

Picture yourself standing barefoot on warm concrete. In front of you are two pools.

Pool #1: The Clean Pool
The water is clear, blue, and sparkling. You can see the bottom. It looks refreshing and safe. Sunlight dances across the surface. It’s the pool you’d choose for a perfect summer afternoon.

Pool #2: The Dirty Pool
The water is cloudy and dark. There’s algae clinging to the edges. A faint smell rises from the surface. Leaves, debris, maybe even something slimy float on top. No one’s cared for this pool in a long time.

If I asked you which pool you’d rather swim in, you’d say the clean one—of course.

But here’s the twist: Many of us are still standing waist-deep in the dirty pool. We don’t move—not because we prefer slime—but because we’ve gotten used to it. We’ve learned where to stand, how to avoid swallowing water, how to brace for the smell. We’ve adapted.

And the clean pool? It’s right there. But getting to it means climbing out—exposing ourselves to air, to change, to effort, to “what if.”

What the Dirty Pool Represents

The dirty pool stands in for the familiar patterns that once helped us cope but no longer serve us:

• Perfectionism: “If I do everything right, I’ll be safe/loved/approved.”

• People-Pleasing: “If I meet everyone else’s needs, I won’t be abandoned.”

• Overfunctioning/Overgiving: Caring for everyone but yourself.

• Numbing Out: Scrolling, drinking, overworking to avoid feeling.

• Chronic Self-Criticism: Beating yourself up before anyone else can.

These behaviors are not character flaws. They’re adaptive survival strategies. They helped you get through something. But over time, living in them is like staying in cloudy, stagnant water: you can survive there, but you can’t truly thrive.

What the Clean Pool Represents

The clean pool represents regulated living and healing—not perfection, not constant calm, but a life where you have:

• A clearer connection to your feelings and needs.

• Healthy boundaries that protect your energy.

• Permission to rest, say no, and be human.

• Tools for regulating stress and overwhelm.

• Relationships built on authenticity, not performance.

In therapy, we don’t just drag you out of the dirty pool and toss you in the clean one. We help you build the steps between them.

Why We Stay Stuck: The Psychology Beneath the Pattern

Leaving the dirty pool triggers real nervous system alarms. Here are common internal roadblocks:

1. Familiar = Safer

Even when it hurts, the brain leans toward what it recognizes.

2. Change Requires Grief

You may need to grieve old identities: "The one who holds it all together." "The good daughter." "The reliable one."

3. Attachment Wounds

If love felt conditional, boundaries now can feel like risking connection.

4. Trauma Responses

Hypervigilance, freeze, fawn, or shutdown can keep you stuck in survival mode.

5. Shame Narratives

“I should be able to handle this.” Shame keeps you quiet—and in the pool.

Naming these layers reduces self-blame and opens space for compassionate change.

How to Climb Out: A Layered Path to Healing

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we see therapy as something done in layers. The thing that brings you in (“I’m so burned out at work”) is often a symptom, not the root. Together we gently explore what’s underneath.

Our Therapeutic Approach Includes:

• Trauma-Informed Care rooted in safety, pacing, and consent.

• EMDR to help reprocess stuck trauma and reduce emotional reactivity for acute trauma & Brainspotting for chronic traumas.

• Somatic Strategies to reconnect mind and body; regulate the nervous system.

• Attachment-Based Therapy to repair relational patterns and build secure self-connection.

• Family & Systems Support because you don’t live—or heal—in isolation. We see individuals, children (age ~7+), parents, and partners.

Healing is not a cannonball into the clean pool. It’s stepping out, rinsing off, learning to trust warm, clear water—one session, one breath, one boundary at a time.

Try This: 3 Regulation Tools for When You’re Overwhelmed

Here are three quick practices you can use when life feels like murky water rising to your chin. (These are featured in our free downloadable handout—see below!)

1. 4-7-8 Breath

Inhale 4 • Hold 7 • Exhale 8. Repeat up to 4 rounds. Slows the stress response.

2. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding

Name 5 things you see • 4 you can touch • 3 you hear • 2 you smell • 1 you taste. Reconnects you to the present.

3. Hand Over Heart Reset

Place your hand over your heart (or belly) and say: “I’m safe. I can pause. I’m doing my best.” Self-soothing through touch + compassionate self-talk.

When to Reach Out for Support

Consider reaching out if you notice:

• You’re constantly overextended but can’t stop saying yes.

• Anxiety, irritability, or shutdown are showing up at home.

• Perfectionism is draining the joy out of work, parenting, or relationships.

• Past experiences feel “stuck” in your body or reactions.

• You’re curious what life could feel like if you weren’t always surviving.

You don’t have to wait until you’re drowning. Support is available now.

Work With Us at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness

We specialize in helping high-achieving women (and those who love them) move from survival strategies—perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout—into sustainable emotional health. Our work is layered, relational, and personalized.

Who We Serve:
Children ~7+ • Teens • Adults • Parents • Women navigating work, caregiving, and identity • Families and partners

Modalities We Use:
Trauma-Informed Therapy • EMDR • Brainspotting • Somatic Experiencing-Informed Approaches • Attachment-Based Theories • Parenting & Family Support • Internal Family Systems

How We Meet:
In-person in Northbrook, Illinois • Secure Telehealth • Workshops • Community Education

Download Your Free Mini Guide

Want a printable version of the regulation tools in this post? Grab our free 1-page download: Mini Guide: How to Regulate When You’re Overwhelmed.

Inside You’ll Get:
✔ 3 fast calming techniques
✔ A self-compassion script
✔ Space to jot triggers + what helps
✔ A reminder that you’re not alone

[Fill out the form below and we will share it with you.]

You don’t have to keep swimming in the dirty pool. If you’re ready to explore something clearer, safer, and more restorative, we’d be honored to walk with you.

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→ Ask about EMDR or trauma therapy in the North Shore area