Why We Stay in the Dirty Pool: Choosing Healing When Familiar Pain Feels Safer

Quick Take: Stuck Doesn’t Mean Broken

We often cling to what’s familiar—even when it’s hurting us—because our nervous systems equate “known” with “safer than the unknown.” In this post, we’ll use a vivid metaphor—the Dirty Pool vs. the Clean Pool—to explore why so many high-performing women stay stuck in patterns like perfectionism, burnout, and people-pleasing…and what it takes to climb out and choose healing. If you’re tired of treading water in murky emotional patterns, there’s another way. We’re here to help you get there.

The Concept: Why Familiar Pain Feels Safer Than Change

It’s one of the most common human patterns: We stay in situations that are uncomfortable, unhealthy, or emotionally draining—not because we love suffering, but because they’re familiar.

If you grew up needing to perform to feel valued…you learn to perform. If you learned that saying “no” risks rejection…you keep saying “yes.” If chaos was normal…calm can feel suspicious.

Your nervous system is wired to detect threat. What it knows—even if it’s painful—can feel less threatening than stepping into something new, unproven, and unpredictable. This is why change is so hard, and why healing takes courage.

To bring this to life, let’s step outside for a moment and imagine two swimming pools sitting side by side.

The Two Pools Metaphor

Picture yourself standing barefoot on warm concrete. In front of you are two pools.

Pool #1: The Clean Pool
The water is clear, blue, and sparkling. You can see the bottom. It looks refreshing and safe. Sunlight dances across the surface. It’s the pool you’d choose for a perfect summer afternoon.

Pool #2: The Dirty Pool
The water is cloudy and dark. There’s algae clinging to the edges. A faint smell rises from the surface. Leaves, debris, maybe even something slimy float on top. No one’s cared for this pool in a long time.

If I asked you which pool you’d rather swim in, you’d say the clean one—of course.

But here’s the twist: Many of us are still standing waist-deep in the dirty pool. We don’t move—not because we prefer slime—but because we’ve gotten used to it. We’ve learned where to stand, how to avoid swallowing water, how to brace for the smell. We’ve adapted.

And the clean pool? It’s right there. But getting to it means climbing out—exposing ourselves to air, to change, to effort, to “what if.”

What the Dirty Pool Represents

The dirty pool stands in for the familiar patterns that once helped us cope but no longer serve us:

• Perfectionism: “If I do everything right, I’ll be safe/loved/approved.”

• People-Pleasing: “If I meet everyone else’s needs, I won’t be abandoned.”

• Overfunctioning/Overgiving: Caring for everyone but yourself.

• Numbing Out: Scrolling, drinking, overworking to avoid feeling.

• Chronic Self-Criticism: Beating yourself up before anyone else can.

These behaviors are not character flaws. They’re adaptive survival strategies. They helped you get through something. But over time, living in them is like staying in cloudy, stagnant water: you can survive there, but you can’t truly thrive.

What the Clean Pool Represents

The clean pool represents regulated living and healing—not perfection, not constant calm, but a life where you have:

• A clearer connection to your feelings and needs.

• Healthy boundaries that protect your energy.

• Permission to rest, say no, and be human.

• Tools for regulating stress and overwhelm.

• Relationships built on authenticity, not performance.

In therapy, we don’t just drag you out of the dirty pool and toss you in the clean one. We help you build the steps between them.

Why We Stay Stuck: The Psychology Beneath the Pattern

Leaving the dirty pool triggers real nervous system alarms. Here are common internal roadblocks:

1. Familiar = Safer

Even when it hurts, the brain leans toward what it recognizes.

2. Change Requires Grief

You may need to grieve old identities: "The one who holds it all together." "The good daughter." "The reliable one."

3. Attachment Wounds

If love felt conditional, boundaries now can feel like risking connection.

4. Trauma Responses

Hypervigilance, freeze, fawn, or shutdown can keep you stuck in survival mode.

5. Shame Narratives

“I should be able to handle this.” Shame keeps you quiet—and in the pool.

Naming these layers reduces self-blame and opens space for compassionate change.

How to Climb Out: A Layered Path to Healing

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we see therapy as something done in layers. The thing that brings you in (“I’m so burned out at work”) is often a symptom, not the root. Together we gently explore what’s underneath.

Our Therapeutic Approach Includes:

• Trauma-Informed Care rooted in safety, pacing, and consent.

• EMDR to help reprocess stuck trauma and reduce emotional reactivity for acute trauma & Brainspotting for chronic traumas.

• Somatic Strategies to reconnect mind and body; regulate the nervous system.

• Attachment-Based Therapy to repair relational patterns and build secure self-connection.

• Family & Systems Support because you don’t live—or heal—in isolation. We see individuals, children (age ~7+), parents, and partners.

Healing is not a cannonball into the clean pool. It’s stepping out, rinsing off, learning to trust warm, clear water—one session, one breath, one boundary at a time.

Try This: 3 Regulation Tools for When You’re Overwhelmed

Here are three quick practices you can use when life feels like murky water rising to your chin. (These are featured in our free downloadable handout—see below!)

1. 4-7-8 Breath

Inhale 4 • Hold 7 • Exhale 8. Repeat up to 4 rounds. Slows the stress response.

2. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding

Name 5 things you see • 4 you can touch • 3 you hear • 2 you smell • 1 you taste. Reconnects you to the present.

3. Hand Over Heart Reset

Place your hand over your heart (or belly) and say: “I’m safe. I can pause. I’m doing my best.” Self-soothing through touch + compassionate self-talk.

When to Reach Out for Support

Consider reaching out if you notice:

• You’re constantly overextended but can’t stop saying yes.

• Anxiety, irritability, or shutdown are showing up at home.

• Perfectionism is draining the joy out of work, parenting, or relationships.

• Past experiences feel “stuck” in your body or reactions.

• You’re curious what life could feel like if you weren’t always surviving.

You don’t have to wait until you’re drowning. Support is available now.

Work With Us at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness

We specialize in helping high-achieving women (and those who love them) move from survival strategies—perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout—into sustainable emotional health. Our work is layered, relational, and personalized.

Who We Serve:
Children ~7+ • Teens • Adults • Parents • Women navigating work, caregiving, and identity • Families and partners

Modalities We Use:
Trauma-Informed Therapy • EMDR • Brainspotting • Somatic Experiencing-Informed Approaches • Attachment-Based Theories • Parenting & Family Support • Internal Family Systems

How We Meet:
In-person in Northbrook, Illinois • Secure Telehealth • Workshops • Community Education

Download Your Free Mini Guide

Want a printable version of the regulation tools in this post? Grab our free 1-page download: Mini Guide: How to Regulate When You’re Overwhelmed.

Inside You’ll Get:
✔ 3 fast calming techniques
✔ A self-compassion script
✔ Space to jot triggers + what helps
✔ A reminder that you’re not alone

[Fill out the form below and we will share it with you.]

You don’t have to keep swimming in the dirty pool. If you’re ready to explore something clearer, safer, and more restorative, we’d be honored to walk with you.

→ Book a consultation today
→ Join our email list for tools & events
→ Ask about EMDR or trauma therapy in the North Shore area

When Trauma Doesn’t Look Like Trauma: Understanding Relational Trauma in Women

What comes to mind when you hear the word trauma or PTSD?

You might think of a car accident, a war veteran, or someone who has survived physical or sexual abuse. And yes—these are traumatic experiences. They often threaten our sense of physical and emotional safety, triggering the body’s protective responses: fight, flight, or freeze, fawn. In those moments, the brain floods with cortisol and prepares to survive.

But that’s not the whole picture.

There’s another form of trauma—often quieter, but just as impactful. One that many high-functioning women carry without realizing it. It’s called relational trauma, and it stems from the subtle, repeated experiences of being unseen, misunderstood, or emotionally unsupported—especially in childhood.

What Is Relational Trauma?

Relational trauma doesn’t require a single catastrophic event. It builds slowly, through moments where your emotional needs were dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood.

Imagine a toddler crying after another child takes his toy. His parent laughs and says, “You’re fine, stop crying.” This may seem small—but in that moment, the child learns:

• My feelings aren’t important.

• Crying is bad.

• I’m alone with this.

Now, imagine this same dynamic repeating—day after day, year after year. These moments teach a child how to disconnect from their emotions and their bodies, suppress their needs, and perform for approval.

Relational trauma isn’t about having “bad” parents or a visibly dysfunctional home. It’s about chronic emotional misattunement—where no one really saw you, soothed you, or helped you make sense of your feelings. Even if your physical needs were met, your emotional experience may have been neglected.

What It Looks Like in Adulthood

Many women who experienced relational trauma wouldn’t label it as such. In fact, they often say:

• “My childhood wasn’t that bad.”

• “It’s not like I was abused.”

• “Other people had it worse.”

But the body and mind remember what the brain tries to minimize.

If you’ve experienced relational trauma, you might find yourself:

• Constantly second-guessing your feelings or decisions

• Struggling with self-doubt, low self-esteem, or a harsh inner critic

• Craving closeness but finding relationships confusing or overwhelming

• Choosing partners who invalidate you—or pushing away the ones who don’t

• Using perfectionism or people pleasing to earn love or safety

• Feeling emotionally numb, shut down, or disconnected

• Battling anxiety, burnout, or high-functioning overwhelm

• Experiencing physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, or chronic pain

Relational trauma doesn't always scream—it whispers. And sometimes it’s buried beneath years of high achievement and holding it all together.

You're Not Broken—You Adapted

The patterns you're struggling with now were once brilliant survival strategies. You learned how to keep the peace, stay lovable, and stay safe. But what helped you survive may now be holding you back from living fully.

That’s not weakness. That’s trauma.

And the good news is: healing is absolutely possible.

How Trauma-Informed Therapy Can Help

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we work with women who carry these invisible wounds. Through a compassionate, trauma-informed approach—often using tools like EMDR, brainspotting, and relational therapy—we help you:

• Reconnect to your feelings without fear or shame

• Unlearn patterns of perfectionism, people pleasing, and self-doubt

• Build healthier, more secure relationships

• Learn to say “no” without guilt—and “yes” to what you really want

• Feel more grounded, clear, and at home in your body

Therapy doesn’t erase the past. It helps you reclaim your present.

You Deserve to Be Seen and Supported

You’ve spent years taking care of everyone else. You’ve been the strong one. The reliable one. The one who keeps it all together.

But now, maybe you're wondering: Who’s taking care of me?

Let this be your reminder:
Your story matters. Your healing matters.
You don’t have to minimize your pain or carry it alone.

When you’re ready, we’re here.

We serve clients across Wilmette, Winnetka, Glenview, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Northbrook, and beyond with virtual and in-person therapy tailored to your needs.

—

Looking for a trauma-informed therapist in the North Shore of Chicago?

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we specialize in supporting women navigating relational trauma, high-functioning anxiety, burnout, and emotional & body disconnection.

#RelationalTrauma #EmotionalNeglect #TherapyForWomen #TraumaInformedTherapy #MentalHealthAwareness #PerfectionismRecovery #NorthShoreTherapist #ObsidianCounseling

Common But Often UNKNOWN Symptoms of Quarantine Stress and Trauma

Being quarantined in our homes for an unknown length of time has been a unique and particular struggle for everyone.  It has required reordering and rethinking our day and taking on additional responsibilities we had never intended.  This is the top worry - the safety of all of our loved ones.

 As a result many, many people are experiencing symptoms of acute stress and trauma and do not know it.  Social media is full of people questioning and bemoaning their lack of progress on projects and even daily chores.  This is because, for many, this is the first time they are experiencing a major traumatic situation.  As a result they do not recognize their behaviors and thoughts for what they are: mental health symptoms.

Common Symptoms of Stress & Trauma Experienced During Quarantine

 Below are some of the most commonly experienced but least recognized symptoms that I have seen people experiencing during this quarantine.  

 If you recognize any of these in yourself or a loved one, please remember this: there is nothing wrong with you! Your brain is doing its absolute best to take care of you.  

1)    Memory loss and memory issues

 Short term memory can be particularly affected.  Memory issues can also include a distorted sense of time wherein time can either crawl or rush past you.

2)    Executive Dysfunction

 The best description I’ve heard for executive dysfunction is “brain buffering.”  You may find yourself thinking of absolutely nothing while at the same time trying to remember what you were just doing.  It can also look like saying to yourself, “I need to get up and do that dishes” and then just sitting there and sitting there while thinking, “Just get up and do the dishes!”  There’s no identifiable reason why you are not getting up.  You just aren’t.

3)    Inability to Make Even Small Decisions

This relates to executive dysfunction and is regularly accomplished by distress or frustration when a person tries to force themselves to make the decision.

4)    “Forgetting” Activities of Daily Living

 Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) are things like eating, showering, putting on clean clothes, using the toilet, etc.  What is actually going on is you’re likely not perceiving the cues from your body asking for these things.  As a result you are “forgetting” to take care of yourself because you are not picking up on the reminders that you’re hungry, or need the bathroom, or really should shower.

5)    Confusion or Brain Fog

 This can also be accompanied by slight dizziness or balance issues.

 6)    Sleep issues

This one is incredibly common.  A person may be sleeping too much or too little, or struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep.  Unspecific bad dreams and nightmares can also happen during times of trauma or acute stress.

 7)    Stomach and food-related issues

 Like sleeping issues a person may begin eating too much or too little.  A person may feel nauseous all the time.  A person can also have no interest in food even when they know they are hungry.

8)    Dissociation

Dissociation is feeling like there is a glass, a film, or a barrier between you and everything else.  Or, between you and your own body. This disconnection happens to stop the trauma memories/thoughts and to lower your fear, anxiety, and shame.

9)    Intrusive Thoughts

These are loops of, usually, bad thoughts.  If you have found yourself thinking the same negative thoughts over and over again, even when you try to think about other things then you are trapped into what is a negative feedback loop.  

Intrusive thoughts can also take the form of negative spiraling thoughts; wherein the first thought might not be too bad but before you know it you have come to the absolute worst case scenario you can possibly imagine.

10) Shortness of breath and heart palpitations

These symptoms are frequently mistaken for a heart attack but are actually common indicators of anxiety or a panic attack.  If you have any doubts, however, call 911.

11)  Auditory Processing Issues

This is experienced as watching someone speak (or listening to music/watching TV) but being unable to understand what they said even if you hear them clearly.

This may be watching someone speak but being unable to understand what they said even if you hear them perfectly.  You may also struggle to separate the conversation you are having from the background noise of a TV or other conversation.

 12) Sounds and Sensations are More Irritating than Normal

This encompasses all of your senses.  It could be forks scraping or birds chirping, or being touched, or feeling a scratchy fabric, or even the sound of silence.  Your brain struggles to fully function until the sound stops.  This can also be recognized by an instant reaction of distress, discomfort, or even anger that is out of proportion to the sensation.

If you are now wondering what you can do about these symptoms below are are links from the Department of Veteran Affairs that provide tips on how to help yourself and loved ones during this time:

Managing Stress Associated with the COVID-19 Virus Outbreak

Helpful Thinking During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Outbreak

Tips for Providing Support to Others During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Outbreak

Of course, you can also reach out to a mental health professional.  Many of us are offering video or “telehealth” online counseling sessions during the quarantine.  The thearpists here at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness are ready and eager to help you.