When Trauma Doesn’t Look Like Trauma: Understanding Relational Trauma in Women

What comes to mind when you hear the word trauma or PTSD?

You might think of a car accident, a war veteran, or someone who has survived physical or sexual abuse. And yes—these are traumatic experiences. They often threaten our sense of physical and emotional safety, triggering the body’s protective responses: fight, flight, or freeze, fawn. In those moments, the brain floods with cortisol and prepares to survive.

But that’s not the whole picture.

There’s another form of trauma—often quieter, but just as impactful. One that many high-functioning women carry without realizing it. It’s called relational trauma, and it stems from the subtle, repeated experiences of being unseen, misunderstood, or emotionally unsupported—especially in childhood.

What Is Relational Trauma?

Relational trauma doesn’t require a single catastrophic event. It builds slowly, through moments where your emotional needs were dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood.

Imagine a toddler crying after another child takes his toy. His parent laughs and says, “You’re fine, stop crying.” This may seem small—but in that moment, the child learns:

• My feelings aren’t important.

• Crying is bad.

• I’m alone with this.

Now, imagine this same dynamic repeating—day after day, year after year. These moments teach a child how to disconnect from their emotions and their bodies, suppress their needs, and perform for approval.

Relational trauma isn’t about having “bad” parents or a visibly dysfunctional home. It’s about chronic emotional misattunement—where no one really saw you, soothed you, or helped you make sense of your feelings. Even if your physical needs were met, your emotional experience may have been neglected.

What It Looks Like in Adulthood

Many women who experienced relational trauma wouldn’t label it as such. In fact, they often say:

• “My childhood wasn’t that bad.”

• “It’s not like I was abused.”

• “Other people had it worse.”

But the body and mind remember what the brain tries to minimize.

If you’ve experienced relational trauma, you might find yourself:

• Constantly second-guessing your feelings or decisions

• Struggling with self-doubt, low self-esteem, or a harsh inner critic

• Craving closeness but finding relationships confusing or overwhelming

• Choosing partners who invalidate you—or pushing away the ones who don’t

• Using perfectionism or people pleasing to earn love or safety

• Feeling emotionally numb, shut down, or disconnected

• Battling anxiety, burnout, or high-functioning overwhelm

• Experiencing physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, or chronic pain

Relational trauma doesn't always scream—it whispers. And sometimes it’s buried beneath years of high achievement and holding it all together.

You're Not Broken—You Adapted

The patterns you're struggling with now were once brilliant survival strategies. You learned how to keep the peace, stay lovable, and stay safe. But what helped you survive may now be holding you back from living fully.

That’s not weakness. That’s trauma.

And the good news is: healing is absolutely possible.

How Trauma-Informed Therapy Can Help

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we work with women who carry these invisible wounds. Through a compassionate, trauma-informed approach—often using tools like EMDR, brainspotting, and relational therapy—we help you:

• Reconnect to your feelings without fear or shame

• Unlearn patterns of perfectionism, people pleasing, and self-doubt

• Build healthier, more secure relationships

• Learn to say “no” without guilt—and “yes” to what you really want

• Feel more grounded, clear, and at home in your body

Therapy doesn’t erase the past. It helps you reclaim your present.

You Deserve to Be Seen and Supported

You’ve spent years taking care of everyone else. You’ve been the strong one. The reliable one. The one who keeps it all together.

But now, maybe you're wondering: Who’s taking care of me?

Let this be your reminder:
Your story matters. Your healing matters.
You don’t have to minimize your pain or carry it alone.

When you’re ready, we’re here.

We serve clients across Wilmette, Winnetka, Glenview, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Northbrook, and beyond with virtual and in-person therapy tailored to your needs.

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Looking for a trauma-informed therapist in the North Shore of Chicago?

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we specialize in supporting women navigating relational trauma, high-functioning anxiety, burnout, and emotional & body disconnection.

Schedule an appointment today.

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