Why We Stay in the Dirty Pool: Choosing Healing When Familiar Pain Feels Safer

Quick Take: Stuck Doesn’t Mean Broken

We often cling to what’s familiar—even when it’s hurting us—because our nervous systems equate “known” with “safer than the unknown.” In this post, we’ll use a vivid metaphor—the Dirty Pool vs. the Clean Pool—to explore why so many high-performing women stay stuck in patterns like perfectionism, burnout, and people-pleasing…and what it takes to climb out and choose healing. If you’re tired of treading water in murky emotional patterns, there’s another way. We’re here to help you get there.

The Concept: Why Familiar Pain Feels Safer Than Change

It’s one of the most common human patterns: We stay in situations that are uncomfortable, unhealthy, or emotionally draining—not because we love suffering, but because they’re familiar.

If you grew up needing to perform to feel valued…you learn to perform. If you learned that saying “no” risks rejection…you keep saying “yes.” If chaos was normal…calm can feel suspicious.

Your nervous system is wired to detect threat. What it knows—even if it’s painful—can feel less threatening than stepping into something new, unproven, and unpredictable. This is why change is so hard, and why healing takes courage.

To bring this to life, let’s step outside for a moment and imagine two swimming pools sitting side by side.

The Two Pools Metaphor

Picture yourself standing barefoot on warm concrete. In front of you are two pools.

Pool #1: The Clean Pool
The water is clear, blue, and sparkling. You can see the bottom. It looks refreshing and safe. Sunlight dances across the surface. It’s the pool you’d choose for a perfect summer afternoon.

Pool #2: The Dirty Pool
The water is cloudy and dark. There’s algae clinging to the edges. A faint smell rises from the surface. Leaves, debris, maybe even something slimy float on top. No one’s cared for this pool in a long time.

If I asked you which pool you’d rather swim in, you’d say the clean one—of course.

But here’s the twist: Many of us are still standing waist-deep in the dirty pool. We don’t move—not because we prefer slime—but because we’ve gotten used to it. We’ve learned where to stand, how to avoid swallowing water, how to brace for the smell. We’ve adapted.

And the clean pool? It’s right there. But getting to it means climbing out—exposing ourselves to air, to change, to effort, to “what if.”

What the Dirty Pool Represents

The dirty pool stands in for the familiar patterns that once helped us cope but no longer serve us:

• Perfectionism: “If I do everything right, I’ll be safe/loved/approved.”

• People-Pleasing: “If I meet everyone else’s needs, I won’t be abandoned.”

• Overfunctioning/Overgiving: Caring for everyone but yourself.

• Numbing Out: Scrolling, drinking, overworking to avoid feeling.

• Chronic Self-Criticism: Beating yourself up before anyone else can.

These behaviors are not character flaws. They’re adaptive survival strategies. They helped you get through something. But over time, living in them is like staying in cloudy, stagnant water: you can survive there, but you can’t truly thrive.

What the Clean Pool Represents

The clean pool represents regulated living and healing—not perfection, not constant calm, but a life where you have:

• A clearer connection to your feelings and needs.

• Healthy boundaries that protect your energy.

• Permission to rest, say no, and be human.

• Tools for regulating stress and overwhelm.

• Relationships built on authenticity, not performance.

In therapy, we don’t just drag you out of the dirty pool and toss you in the clean one. We help you build the steps between them.

Why We Stay Stuck: The Psychology Beneath the Pattern

Leaving the dirty pool triggers real nervous system alarms. Here are common internal roadblocks:

1. Familiar = Safer

Even when it hurts, the brain leans toward what it recognizes.

2. Change Requires Grief

You may need to grieve old identities: "The one who holds it all together." "The good daughter." "The reliable one."

3. Attachment Wounds

If love felt conditional, boundaries now can feel like risking connection.

4. Trauma Responses

Hypervigilance, freeze, fawn, or shutdown can keep you stuck in survival mode.

5. Shame Narratives

“I should be able to handle this.” Shame keeps you quiet—and in the pool.

Naming these layers reduces self-blame and opens space for compassionate change.

How to Climb Out: A Layered Path to Healing

At Obsidian Counseling & Wellness, we see therapy as something done in layers. The thing that brings you in (“I’m so burned out at work”) is often a symptom, not the root. Together we gently explore what’s underneath.

Our Therapeutic Approach Includes:

• Trauma-Informed Care rooted in safety, pacing, and consent.

• EMDR to help reprocess stuck trauma and reduce emotional reactivity for acute trauma & Brainspotting for chronic traumas.

• Somatic Strategies to reconnect mind and body; regulate the nervous system.

• Attachment-Based Therapy to repair relational patterns and build secure self-connection.

• Family & Systems Support because you don’t live—or heal—in isolation. We see individuals, children (age ~7+), parents, and partners.

Healing is not a cannonball into the clean pool. It’s stepping out, rinsing off, learning to trust warm, clear water—one session, one breath, one boundary at a time.

Try This: 3 Regulation Tools for When You’re Overwhelmed

Here are three quick practices you can use when life feels like murky water rising to your chin. (These are featured in our free downloadable handout—see below!)

1. 4-7-8 Breath

Inhale 4 • Hold 7 • Exhale 8. Repeat up to 4 rounds. Slows the stress response.

2. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding

Name 5 things you see • 4 you can touch • 3 you hear • 2 you smell • 1 you taste. Reconnects you to the present.

3. Hand Over Heart Reset

Place your hand over your heart (or belly) and say: “I’m safe. I can pause. I’m doing my best.” Self-soothing through touch + compassionate self-talk.

When to Reach Out for Support

Consider reaching out if you notice:

• You’re constantly overextended but can’t stop saying yes.

• Anxiety, irritability, or shutdown are showing up at home.

• Perfectionism is draining the joy out of work, parenting, or relationships.

• Past experiences feel “stuck” in your body or reactions.

• You’re curious what life could feel like if you weren’t always surviving.

You don’t have to wait until you’re drowning. Support is available now.

Work With Us at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness

We specialize in helping high-achieving women (and those who love them) move from survival strategies—perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout—into sustainable emotional health. Our work is layered, relational, and personalized.

Who We Serve:
Children ~7+ • Teens • Adults • Parents • Women navigating work, caregiving, and identity • Families and partners

Modalities We Use:
Trauma-Informed Therapy • EMDR • Brainspotting • Somatic Experiencing-Informed Approaches • Attachment-Based Theories • Parenting & Family Support • Internal Family Systems

How We Meet:
In-person in Northbrook, Illinois • Secure Telehealth • Workshops • Community Education

Download Your Free Mini Guide

Want a printable version of the regulation tools in this post? Grab our free 1-page download: Mini Guide: How to Regulate When You’re Overwhelmed.

Inside You’ll Get:
✔ 3 fast calming techniques
✔ A self-compassion script
✔ Space to jot triggers + what helps
✔ A reminder that you’re not alone

[Fill out the form below and we will share it with you.]

You don’t have to keep swimming in the dirty pool. If you’re ready to explore something clearer, safer, and more restorative, we’d be honored to walk with you.

→ Book a consultation today
→ Join our email list for tools & events
→ Ask about EMDR or trauma therapy in the North Shore area

Tackling the Sunday Scaries: Helping Parents and Kids Beat the Back-to-School Blues

Ah, the Sunday Scaries—the dreaded feeling that creeps up as the weekend winds down and the reality of Monday morning sets in. If you're a parent, you know this anxiety isn’t just yours; your kids might be feeling it too, especially with school in full swing. My little one has been struggling with the Sunday Scaries since preschool.

You know the feeling: your anxiety kicks in, making your stomach do flip-flops, your hands sweat, or worse, the endless thoughts about how bad the next day will be.

What Are the Sunday Scaries?

The 'Sunday Scaries' refer to intense feelings of anxiety and dread that typically arise every Sunday. They often start in the late afternoon and last into the evening, though for some, depending on their anxiety levels, these feelings can begin as soon as they wake up.

Physical sensations can include:

• Racing heart

• Stomach upset

• Trouble sleeping

• Sweating

• Difficulty breathing

• Headache

For adults, tackling these feelings can feel overwhelming. You might even think, "Maybe I should take a day—or a week—off work just to avoid this."

Similarly, for kids, this anxiety can lead to something called school refusal, where the thought of going to school becomes so overwhelming they just can’t face it. But don’t worry—there are ways to tackle the Sunday Scaries together and help everyone look forward to the week ahead.

What Is School Refusal?

School refusal isn’t just about not wanting to go to school. For some kids, anxiety about school becomes so intense that they refuse to go altogether. This can lead to missed days, falling behind in class, and even more anxiety. It’s crucial to address these feelings early to prevent bigger issues down the road.

3 Ways to Beat the Sunday Scaries for Parents and Kids

So, how can you help both yourself and your kids calm those Sunday jitters and maybe even start looking forward to the week? Here are three simple strategies:

1. Create a Sunday Evening Routine

   
   Wind Down Together: Establish a relaxing Sunday routine to ease into the week. Watch a family movie, play a board game, or read together. Shared time shifts the focus away from Monday’s worries. If the Sunday Scaries start earlier, plan a peaceful, predictable day. Make breakfast together, go for a walk, or enjoy nature.

2. Prepare for the Week Ahead

   
   Involve the Kids: Help reduce school anxiety by preparing for the week on Sunday evening. Organize backpacks, pick outfits, and review the schedule. Knowing what to expect eases fear, and it helps you feel more organized too! Try adding a fun touch, like sending transitional notes with them.

3. Leave Space for Feelings

   
   Highlight the Good & Acknowledge the Scary: Spend a few minutes discussing how your kids feel about the week ahead. Talking about something they’re looking forward to, like seeing friends or a favorite teacher, can help shift their mindset. Start a “What I’m Excited About” list. Also, give them room to share their fears. Sometimes, they just need to talk—without expecting a solution.

Helping You & Your Child with the Sunday Scaries

If you or your child are struggling with the Sunday Scaries, approach it with patience and understanding. Start by openly discussing what’s really bothering you. Share your thoughts with a partner or friend, and encourage your child to do the same. If needed, reach out to their teacher, school counselor, or a private counselor for extra support. Obsidian Counseling & Wellness is here to help you or your child manage the Sunday Scaries. Contact us today to start your counseling support.

Remember, the Sunday Scaries are common for both parents and kids, but they don’t have to ruin your weekend. By creating calming routines, preparing for the week ahead, and allowing space for feelings, you can ease the anxiety and maybe even start looking forward to what’s coming next. Here’s to making Mondays a little brighter!

Parenting When You're Feeling Anxious: 4 Tips for Success

Parenting When You’re Feeling Anxious

Effective Parenting Strategies while Experiencing Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and depression are common mental health disorders that can have a major impact on your life. If you are a parent who is struggling with anxiety or depression, you may feel like you are not able to properly care for your children. You may be worried about what will happen to your children if you are not able to cope with your mental health disorder. It is important, however, to remember that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you cope with your anxiety or depression and to be the best parent you can be. We have developed 4 important and effective tips to help guide you during challenging times. 

 Here are 4 parenting tips for when you are feeling anxious or depressed

1. Practice Self Care 

Parents oftentimes forget to do simple things to take care of their bodies and mind. As a parent struggling with your own mental health challenges, it is even more crucial to do things that help you feel good. This includes eating healthy, exercising, and getting the right amount of sleep. Additionally, try things like meditation, yoga, and practicing gratitude. Although none of these are a cure, they do have a powerful impact on how you feel. 

2. Be Mindful of Your Words  

It is important to be mindful of the words you use when talking to yourself and when parenting your child. As a depressed or anxious parent, you may find yourself engaging in negative self-talk. This type of language can worsen anxiety and depression. Try to replace negative inner dialog with positive affirmations and self-care. This can help manage thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and worthlessness that can come with parenting when you are feeling out of sorts. Similarly, using language that is too critical or harsh can lead to your child feeling judged or scared. Instead, practice using positive and encouraging language that helps your child focus on their strengths and abilities. Words such as “I can see how hard you're trying” and “I am proud of you for not giving up” can help kids with anxious parents feel supported, loved, and encouraged.   

3. Find a Support System  

A good support system is crucial for navigating parenting when you are feeling anxious or depressed. Reach out to trusted family members, close friends, or healthcare professionals who can provide a listening ear and comfort when needed. Creating a support system can help you take back some of the control you might be feeling about your mental health disorder. Finding support will also provide you with people you can turn to during tough times. You may also find that talking to others is a wonderful way to gain insight into how to better handle your anxious or depressed thoughts and emotions. If you have a partner it is important to remember that a supportive partner can be a major source of comfort as well. Lean on your partner and other members of your support system during challenging times. Talking it out and knowing that you are not alone can make all the difference.  

4. Seek Professional Help if Necessary 

 Your doctor or mental health professional can help you create a plan of action if you feel like your anxiety is becoming unmanageable. Having professional guidance can help you learn effective coping mechanisms for your anxiety and teach you how to manage your mental health disorder in a healthy way. In addition to private therapy, there are many other professional resources available to help parents with anxiety. Some include group therapy sessions and support groups, where you can connect with other parents who are dealing with similar issues. Having access to resources like these can be an invaluable source of support, comfort, and advice. It is important to remember that there are many options available for dealing with anxiety and depression, and seeking professional help, if necessary, can be a great first step in managing your mental health disorder and being the best parent, you can be. 

Receiving the best mental health services from Obsidian Counseling & Wellness

Anxiety and depression can be difficult emotions to deal with, but it is possible to effectively parent despite feeling this way. However, it can be difficult to do so. If you are feeling like your depression and anxiety are getting in the way of parenting or have reached a level that you cannot manage on your own, please contact Obsidian Counseling & Wellness. Our team will help you develop a plan to manage your mental health issues and give you the tools you need to be the best parent you can be. 

Mindful Walks and Places in Chicago You Can Take Them

Summertime is almost here, which means warmer weather, new flower blooms, and a few more daylight hours than in the wintertime. Starting in the springtime, our neighborhoods offer many opportunities for self-care and fresh air. Whether you are new to the Chicagoland area or have lived here your whole life, you may like to explore areas in your neighborhood from the lens of self-care. Below I will discuss mindful walks and some local places in the northern Chicagoland area where you can practice this technique.

Mindful Outdoor Walks

Mindful walks are an excellent way to connect to the present moment, break from anxious thoughts, move your body, and get some fresh air.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a state of awareness. When we are mindful, we nonjudgmentally notice what is happening in the present moment. Contrary to popular belief, the goal of mindfulness is not to have a blank mind but instead is noticing thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations as they happen. So, for example, if you are feeling angry, you state to yourself, "I am feeling angry." The goal is not to judge or change the feelings but instead to notice.

Some benefits of mindfulness

• Reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety

• Improved memory and focus

• Reduced Stress

• Improved ability to regulate emotions

• Improved satisfaction in relationships

• Increased mind-body connection

• Reduced rumination (which is when we get stuck on a thought or problem and play it repeatedly in our mind)

How do I go on a mindful outdoor walk?

1)    Go outside; this can be anywhere you choose, where you live, near where you work, or any place you would like to explore for today’s walk. (If the weather does not permit, you can practice this skill indoors as well).

2)    Start by noticing how your body feels with each step. Notice your breath. Think about each foot touching the ground (right, left, right, left) and the rhythm of the breath (in, out, in, out).

3)    Tune into your five senses: What do I see? What do I smell? What do I hear? What does the air taste like? What do I feel?

4)    Tune in to the rhythm of your walk, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot; the rhythm of your walk can be an anchor of awareness to return to throughout the walk.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to practice mindful walking; use these steps as a guide to finding what feels suitable for you. The goal is to connect with the present moment.

If you’re feeling creative

Think of some other activities where you can similarly practice mindfulness. Here are some examples that I have thought of:

• Biking

• Kayaking

• Rollerblading

• Swinging on a swing set

• Drawing or painting

• Yoga

• Dancing

• Gardening

• Even doing the dishes! (I know that is an inside task but why not?)

 Please remember to use proper safety precautions when engaging in any above activities. 

Places to Practice Mindfulness in the Chicago Area

No matter where you are in the Chicagoland area, you can find beautiful places to practice mindfulness. As mostly Winnetka-based therapists, we love to visit the beaches along Lake Michigan, the downtown Winnetka bistros, shopping districts, and summer music festivals. Teens, young adults, and parents can get a break from the pressures of school with trails and parks, many near New Trier High School. But honestly, there are amazing places to mindfully walk & find inner peace throughout the Chicago area. So, here are some of our therapists’ other favorite places to practice mindfulness in the Chicago, IL area:

Forest Preserves of Cook County

• Feature over 350 miles of paved and unpaved trails and 70,000 acres of wild and preserved land.

• Walk along the trail, and tune into your senses. What does it sound like, are there any birds nearby, what does it smell like, do you see any flowers, what do your feet feel like on the trail?

• These locations also include trails for walking and biking

• The lagoons are lovely to look at and great for kayaking, fishing, and canoeing (rentals available)

• Some of these trails are dog-friendly trails to bring your four-legged friend along

• Picnic tables are available for an outdoor meal

• Birds, deer, and other wildlife nearby- maybe try your hand at some photography.

Lake Michigan

• Walk alongside the lake, and notice the temperature change, the breeze, and the sand. What does it smell like, and what do the waves sound like?

• Kayaks and paddleboards available for rental

• Some local beaches may offer yoga or various forms of exercise on the beach; check-in in with your town to see what it has to offer.

• Mindfully play in the sand, notice the texture, how the sand changes when mixed with water, and watch the hand fall between your fingers.

The Chicago Botanic Garden

• Walk around and explore the many different gardens of the Chicago Botanic Garden. This year the Chicago Botanic Garden is celebrating 50 years and is featuring a variety of garden exhibits for individuals to explore.

• 28 gardens and four natural areas on 385 acres, consisting of nine different islands.

• Take classes, stroll the property, or sit on a bench and take in these gardens' sights, smells, sounds, and even tastes. 

Counseling Services in Northbrook, IL

Mindfulness can have a huge impact on a person’s mental health. Still, you may sometimes need more support in the form of a professional counselor or therapist. If you are feeling overwhelmed or need help working through some of life's challenges, please reach out for counseling services. If you live in the state of Illinois, our Winnetka & Chicago based therapists would love to help. Our teen therapists believe in providing evidence based therapy and often incorporate mindfulness into counseling sessions, particularly if you share that you are making efforts to practice mindfulness on your own.

If you are ready to begin therapy, please take the steps below to get started:

1. Fill out a consult form here.

2. Begin working toward better mental health!

Other Mental Health Services in Illinois

Our therapists offer a wide range of mental health services to support your entire family focusing on providing evidence based care including incorporating mindfulness as well as other effective therapies such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and EMDR. addition to anxiety treatment and teen therapy, we also offer counseling for depression, teen counseling, parent counseling, trauma therapy, therapy for work burnout & more. Because we offer online therapy and in person therapy in Northbrook, IL we are able to help anyone in the state of Illinois and the Northshore of Chicago. And, our therapists specialize in working with LGBTQIA+ individuals.

So, whatever your mental health needs may be, if you live in Illinois we'd love to provide you the support you're looking for.