Ambiguous Loss: The Grief of What is There but We Cannot Have
The end of the calendar year is a time focused heavily on loving bonds and family. From November through the end of December 30 different religious holidays are celebrated across the world. With so much focus on togetherness the “holiday season” weighs heavily on anyone who is grieving a loss or missing the presence of loved ones.
Family estrangement comes into particular focus this time of year given the number of religious and secular holidays that emphasis family involvement and engagement. However, some are ostracized from their families. Some have separated from their families for their own safety or well-being.
These are still losses. They are nebulous and difficult to navigate, and they are seldom identified as what they are: ambiguous losses.
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. This can include:
· Sudden break up/end of relationship
· Sudden death
· Miscarriages and stillbirths
· Family estrangement
· Divorce
· Death without funeral rites
In these types of cases the lack of closure and/or clear understanding of what happened delays or sometimes halts the grieving process.
Here in 2021 with the Covid-19 pandemic still ongoing the inability to either have or participate in a proper funeral has made working through the grieving process very difficult for many people. How are we to grieve when we don’t get to follow the script? Funeral rites are important and are there to help us with our grief.
Ambiguous loss also occurs when one loses something that still exists, or might still exist, but is inaccessible to you. This can include:
· Missing/lost pet
· Missing person or POW
· Refugee status away from home country
· Immigration
· Dementia
· Addiction
· Loss of previous lifestyle due to disability, medical loss, pandemic, etc.
With these types of ambiguous loss, the grief process can be stalled because the thing we are missing and grieving is still there, or might still be there. It is very difficult to know how to grieve something that is not actually gone but we cannot have.
What Makes Ambiguous Loss So Challenging?
The difficulty with ambiguous loss is it can leave a person with unanswered questions. This complicates and delays the grieving process and can result in unresolved grief. The big question is how to grieve when closure is not an option.
What Does Ambiguous Loss Look Like?
While the symptoms of ambiguous loss have some similarities to other kinds of grieving there are some key differences that therapists look for. Tikvah Lake recently did their own post and outlined these symptoms:
· Sadness about a situation/event but not knowing why
· Feeling others are minimizing your feelings
· Feeling unheard and unsupported
· Thinking you’re going crazy
· Thinking you are being “dramatic,” “overacting” or “making a big deal of nothing” (you aren’t)
· Experiencing guilt for feeling so sad, especially if a person may still be alive
· Vacillating being hope and hopelessness
· Survivor’s guilt
· Being consumed by uncertainty
· Symptoms of
Anxiety
Depression
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
PTSD
Drug/Alcohol use to numb distress
What is the Healing Process?
The healing process with ambiguous loss is really best done with a knowledgeable mental health professional. We here at Obsidian are, of course, ready and happy to help you with any type of grief or loss you may be struggling with. But in addition to that, here are some other tips:
Give it a name – Knowing that what you are experiencing has a name and being able to identify it is the first step in building resilience to your loss.
I was once wisely told by a mentor, Mr. Bryian Winner, “If what you are experiencing has a name it means others have gone through it. If others have gone through it that means others have survived it. And if others have survived it there is no reason you cannot as well.”
Join a support group – Find others who are experiencing what you are. The healing power of shared experience cannot be ignored. Whether its online or in-person find a community of people where you can feel heard and seen.
Celebrate what remains – It will take time. Embrace the bittersweet, the happy-sad. Even while we grieve what is lost, we can still sometimes find good nuggets amidst the sadness. Maybe your crochet buddy can’t crochet anymore because of arthritis in their hands, but they can still be your lunch buddy or movie-friend. Or there may be a child or mutual friend that you can connect to in new ways.
Discover hope for the future – It is a little arrogant of me to say something like this while you, the reader, are likely grieving and struggling. However, once we can become comfortable with the uncertainty and ambiguity of these losses we are freer to think of and discover new sources of hope.
Dr. Pauline Boss, who first identified ambiguous loss, has more information on this healing process here. She identifies the following:
1. Finding Meaning:
· Make sense of the loss through naming it,
· Talking with peers,
· Continuing but changing family rituals and celebrations.
2. Adjusting Mastery: Modify the natural desire for control and certainty through
· Acknowledging the world is not always fair,
· Managing and making decisions,
· Addressing one’s internal experience through mindfulness, exercise, music, etc.
3. Reconstructing Identity: Knowing who you are now through
· finding supporting family, friends, or chosen family,
· Redefining your family’s boundaries,
· Being flexible as family roles are redefined,
· Identifying who is in/out of the new family system
4. Normalizing Ambivalence: Managing the anxiety from mixed emotions by
· Knowing conflicted feelings are normal,
· Talking about them with a professional
5. Revising Attachment: Letting go without certainty of loss through
· Recognizing that a loved one is both here and gone by
· Grieving what has been lost while also
· Acknowledging/celebrating what you still have, and
· Finding new human connections
6. Discovering New Hope: Finding new hope when your loss remains ambiguous
· Imagine a new way of being,
· Imagining new future plans or dreams,
· Identify your spirituality,
· Seek encouragement through family and friends
Here at Obsidian, we love what we do and we always do our best to give you the best we possibly can. If you ever need help or guidance, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Or, if you would like additional information on ambiguous loss, please visit any one of these resources:
Mental Health Technology Transfer Center Network – Covid-specific loss
National Council on Family Relations – Resources
For those of a scholarly mind, try these published research articles:
Ambiguous Loss Theory: Challenges for Scholars and Practitioners by Pauline Boss
Ambiguous Loss and the Family Grieving Process by Betz and Thorngren
Using Ambiguous Loss to Address Perceived Control During the COVID-19 Pandemic by Rosemary A. Leone
The COVID-19 Disappeared: From Traumatic to Ambiguous Loss and the Role of the Internet for the Bereaved in Italyby Testoni, Azzola, Tribbia, et al.
The Endless Grief in Waiting: A Qualitative Study of the Relationship between Ambiguous Loss and Anticipatory Mourning amongst the Relatives of Missing Persons in Italy by Testoni, Franco, Palazzo, et al.